Today I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Victoria Kress, a clinical counselor from Ohio. We covered two questions that I am frequently asked by people who are hoping to make sense of the uncertain times we are facing as a collective, and how to talk to children about matters related to mortality and the coronavirus pandemic.
Dr. Kress is the director of the clinical mental health and addictions counseling programs at Youngstown State University. She has over 20 years of experience in various clinical settings. She served as a governor-appointed member of the Ohio Counselor, Social Worker, and Marriage and Family Therapist Board, and served as the chair of the Counselor Professional Standards Committee. Dr. Kress has published over 120 peer-reviewed journal articles and book chapters and has co-authored 5 books on counseling both adults and children.
“Good morning, Dr. Kress! I am excited to speak with you today. Thank you for taking the time and making a difference in the lives of my readers! Our first question is about mortality and how to talk to small children about dying. What are some of your proven methods for helping children process the concept of mortality and how it relates to the pandemic?”
Dr. Kress: “Something to keep in mind when tackling complex concepts, such as mortality, is hitting a ‘sweet spot’ by providing accurate information without providing too much information. Children (especially young children under the age of 10) have a harder time processing information that is abstract. For example, why things die, the cause of death, and the relationship between diseases like COVID-19 and death.
With respect to the coronavirus, you don’t have to tell children that you can die from it. If you decide to include the possibility of dying from the virus into the conversation, make sure to balance that information out with other facts. For example, people die from all kinds of diseases all the time, not just COVID-19, and the majority of people who die from the virus are people who are older and have pre-existing health conditions.
Being mindful about the way we approach a subject matter of this caliber is a great way to set the stage for a healthy exchange of information, without it becoming anxiety-invoking or provoking. Be aware of your own stress levels around the subject matter and practice self-care so your children can rest in your presence.
Another wonderful tool is to teach children how to soothe themselves through anxiety management (taking deep breaths, blowing bubbles, or playing with a stress ball, etc.). We need to teach children how to manage their anxiety. Anxiety is not something that just goes away or can be eliminated. The sooner you talk to your children about their fears and worries, the better. Don’t be afraid to ask questions. And lastly, try not to speak to your children, but instead, speak with them.”
“Wonderful. Thank you for that, Dr. Kress! This is vital information for parents to take in and take to heart, as we navigate this new territory as caretakers. Our next question dives deeper into the concept of dying, but with a focus on how to start the conversation with your child (or perhaps they are the ones starting the conversation). So, how can we help children express their fears about mortality in a constructive way?”
Dr. Kress: “Great question! First, I would like to point out that this pandemic represents an opportunity to teach our children how to get through difficult times and build resilience throughout the process. With any and every inquiry your child brings to you, focus on the learning opportunity. Let your child be an active part of the discussion, let them lead. Listen to their language, listen to the kinds of questions they ask.
By doing this we help our children develop and strengthen their autonomy. When children feel like they have a sense of control, talking to them about their fears about dying, or contracting the coronavirus, suddenly becomes an enriching exchange. I even encourage you to talk to them about your fears(keeping it age-appropriate, of course).
Parents and caretakers can do a lot to help their children by making them feel like they are a superhero. The superhero status represents the child’s confidence, sense of autonomy, and the ability to self-soothe, especially when being hit by a bout of anxiety. A great way of honing this skill in children is by singing songs while washing hands (Happy Birthday to you), listing our superpowers, perhaps drawing a worry dragon, but most importantly: showing acceptance of and support for any regressional behavior your child may exhibit, at any given time.”
Wonderful. Thank you for sharing your insights and best practices with us today, Dr. Kress. This concludes our Q & A. Thank you for reading!
With deepest care,
~ Dr. C.
