“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping” — Bo Derek, iconic American actress.
The problem isn’t that people don’t know where to shop, but that they equate material wealth with happiness. Despite being funny, the above quote stands in opposition to today’s consumerist habits. At the time, Bo Derek was unaware that people would naturally know where to shop in the 21st century: online! Everything is becoming digital, transforming business into a virtual reality.
The act of persuasion has also taken on a new meaning: Do we want something because someone else has it (think Instagram)? Or do we want it because somebody or something tells us that we do (Facebook)? Either way, acquiring that ‘something’ probably won’t make you any happier.
The truth is that retail therapy will never be able to fill those voids we forcefully try to eliminate. In fact, each time we go online to buy something (like a pack of batteries) it hurts the small shop down the road. The family owned businesses where people used to make connections with those around them and engage in a meaningful exchange are slowly dying. Where I grew up it was common to know the person who owned the hardware shop in town. You knew their families, where they lived, and what car they drove. You knew their story and they knew yours.
I find this reassuring and representative of an intact society. Who doesn’t like the idea of going shopping in some charming and remote town? Perhaps sitting down for a cup of coffee in an artisan coffee shop afterwards (no to-go cups please!). One day this might not be possible because all those little stores and coffee shops will be out of business. Thanks a lot Amazon and Starbucks!
Technology and social media bring up the emotions. Personally, I feel torn between letting technology infiltrate my life out of convenience, and taking a stand against it by turning my phone off on weekends. Not answering Emails right away and reading a good book, instead of mindlessly succumbing to what is referred to as the ‘scroll hole’, are also on my boycott list. The fact that technology has entered our bedrooms, our washrooms, and our dinner tables comes to no surprise. Paying some bills while commuting to work? Done! Ordering a dinner meal kit while taking your coffee break at work? Done! It’s happening all around us and it’s here to stay. But what if all of the above and social media (which Lady Gaga once referred to as the toilet of the internet) is actually making us more miserable and leaving us feeling isolated? Research from the realm of positive psychology points toward the fact that it is the quality of our interpersonal relationships which brings us the most happiness. This quality suffers when we choose our devices over human contact.
However, we must also consider the grey matter (drumroll please): Balance! Living in a world of tech doesn’t mean not engaging with it at all. It means using it in a responsible manner and limiting exposure to potentially harmful content with regards to our children. Much like any unhealthy relationship, this starts with limiting exposure and setting boundaries.
In other words, technology isn’t all bad. For example, counselling therapy has a promising future here. By making the counselling process more accessible and affordable, technology can act as a catalyst for therapy groups and connecting people worldwide from the comfort of their homes. Take for example Good Therapy, a virtual therapeutic community whereby a client and a registered counselor can be matched instantly. No traffic or parking issues, no obligation to continue!
Of course there are also pitfalls to virtual therapy. For example, how can we connect to our therapist on a deeper level from one bandwidth to another? You risk missing out on the subtle and pertinent cues— like the way your therapist holds eye contact with you, how well they are able to reiterate what you’ve said while holding the space and letting you feel the emotions move through.
Further, there are a great many people living in rural areas where there is no internet or cellular service, not to mention Wifi. In fact, creating access to mental health care in rural areas has been a long-standing challenge for professionals and researchers in the psychology field. One of the dilemmas and sad realities is that it is the elderly who lack access, due to being inexperienced with technology. I’ll never forget the first time I tried to explain to my great grandmother what a chat room is. “Why don’t you just go over to your friend’s house and chat with them?” she asked, rightfully so. Technology is a double-edged sword that connects some groups while dividing others.
Another drawback of virtual therapy is that it makes it very easy for clients to ‘ghost’ their therapist. Sometimes a person’s attitude towards the therapy process changes, or they realize it’s not for them, or they aren’t receptive. Other times their circumstances don’t allow them to come back, or they simply have something better to do that day. Ghosting is very common and if you’re a therapist you know how frustrating it is. People miss appointments, they don’t pay their fees, they fade in and out of the office and leave the intake form looking like a doodle pad.
Esther Perel, a Belgian psychotherapist living and practicing in NYC, has the right idea by running an online platform called Sessions. Anybody from anywhere can sign up for a subscription and attend drop-in style on these recorded sessions. Although this platform was designed for clinical training purposes for professionals working in the field, there are no limitations as to who can claim a subscription. This is a beautiful way to break into the world of therapy for those who aren’t sure if it is really what they are looking for, and whether they are ready.
Although therapy is certainly about timing, there’s no time like the present. Letting yourself get immersed in the world of therapy as a passive onlooker and listener, may be a more comfortable way of initiating the process. I recommend checking out Esther’s audio series called “where should we begin?”, whereby we delve into the most intimate of moments alongside other couples and experience what daily life is like for them.
Now back to social media: the toilet of the internet. Despite what social media platforms like Facebook like to preach about connecting people and fostering an environment that is inclusive — it is not the same as connecting in person. In fact, enjoying the company of others is pivotal to our mental health and our brains know this. Just to give you an example: When presented with the opportunity to attend an improvised cabaret in a concentration camp, the starving prisoners of Auschwitz were willing to forego their daily ration of soup in order to partake in this entertainment program instead. Unlike what it seems, their priorities were very much in line. Behavioral and social psychology teaches us about the importance of our social lives. It is our interpersonal relationships that matter most, especially in a situation where nothing else seems to matter anymore (like when you are dying of starvation). Essentially these social connections grant us access to the vital life force (the light) within, keeping us alive emotionally and spiritually, in times of despair — and technology won’t be able to replace it anytime soon.
So existing peacefully with technology just means being extra mindful of the ways in which it influences and impacts our lives, especially our social lives. In our family we make the point of putting away the phones, the iPads, the gadgets, as soon as we walk through the door to reunite after a long day at school and work. In taking the time to eat a meal together as a collective whole, and engaging in a meaningful exchange about our day(s), we create the space necessary for our minds to unwind and reconnect to what matters the most: The quality of our interpersonal relationships.
With care,
~ Dr. C.