We all have them: worries. Throughout the day (and night!) we worry about many things, whether it is about doing a good job as parents or partners, showing up for work in the midst of a pandemic, or simply making it through the day because we have a newborn. We also worry about more existential things, such as being able to pay rent, maintain food security, providing for our families, etc. In sum, worrying is part of everyday life. However, when worries take over our ability to function or overpower a child’s ability to engage with peers in a fun and playful manner, there might be something bigger going on. You might have a worry dragon on your hands.
Dr. Jane Garland, researcher and clinical head of the Mood and Anxiety Disorders Clinic at B.C.’s Children’s Hospital, and Dr. Sandra Clark, a psychologist specializing in children and adolescents, are the creators of the worry dragons manual for children, parents, and other coaches. A worry dragon is characterized by negative or unpleasant thoughts, scared feelings, and worries that won’t go away. In other words, it’s hard to relax when you have the company of one. For some of us, worry dragons show up only occasionally. For others (myself included), these creatures are constant companions. They might even present themselves in a herd, all the time! It can be very tiring to spend so much energy worrying.
Based on the philosophy of Drs. Garland and Clark, having worry dragons means that you (or your child) have a special talent, which is worrying all the time. You are likely able to imagine the worst possible scenario of any situation, see it in vivid color, along with all the gory details. Note that not everybody can do this. My mother, for example, has never met a worry dragon in her life. My father, on the other hand - has. The genetic, neurobiological, and psychosocial (e.g., learned behavior and modeling) components involved in creating worry dragons remain a fascinating field for exploration in the realm of psychological science. We won’t be able to do a deep dive of this kind here, but we can provide some helpful ways for taming the worry dragons that frequent your waking (or sleeping) hours. The good news is that tame worry dragons don’t scare you. They can even be useful. Here are some tips and tricks on how you can hone your dragon-taming skills:
Scheduling: not leaving room for worries to run wild and/or trapping them in small spaces. This method works well with small children. In my house, we have a worry jar into which we throw our worries once we have written them down on a piece of paper. We also have an egg timer for setting “time to worry”. For example, if my son is repeatedly asking me if he’s going to be ok because he fell and scraped his knee, we get the timer and dedicate 5 minutes to worrying about the knee. Afterward, we leave the worries about the knee behind and start doing something else. Because children like to know what happens next and respond well to routines, this trick works like a charm. It gives them the feeling of control they so crave in times of worry.
Creative imagination: shrinking, harnessing, locking up, putting in a box (or worry jar). The act of giving the worries a different face than what we imagine them to look like. For example, instead of writing down the worries on a piece of paper and placing them into a jar, you can buy some colorful miniature pom-poms for your child, which they can then place into the jar. When the time comes to work with the jar (e.g., your child is worried about something in particular and cannot relax), invite them to pick a color (or multiple) and talk about it with you as if it represents the worry they cannot let go of. This approach helps distract the child while still allowing them to process whatever is bothering them. The soft, fluffy, and colorful pom-poms help to distract the child through the use of texture and visualization.
Thought-stopping: turning off the tap and unplugging the worry machine. Again, timers come in handy here. Dedicating “time to worry” with your child is a valuable resource to teach them. When kids start worrying actively about topics such as death, losing their caretaker or loved one, etc., these skills will come in handy. To note, this type of worrying typically starts around the age(s) of 4-5, as this is when children become aware of mortality (nobody lives forever) and other realities. Mixing this realization with the very active and vivid imagination of a child, can then lead to the creation of worry dragons – which we may or may not get rid of as adults.
As a final encouragement, I recommend scheduling time to relax and recharge. Both are just as important as implementing all of the above, when taming worry dragons. The “magic potion” is a combination of some of the tools we covered today, and giving your family time to connect, restore, and feel love. We want to build courage and confidence in our children during those early years, so they can go out into the world and utilize those skills when things get tough. I was never taught how to do this until I started going to school for it. I wish that my caretakers had recognized early on that I was in the company of a few worry dragons myself. Get started with taming your worry dragons today if this piece has spoken to you. Or: help your child tame theirs if you feel that they are struggling due to the effects of the recent pandemic, or other sources of stress.
With deepest care,
~ Dr. C.
Reference
Garland, E. J., Clark, S. L. (2009). Taming Worry Dragons (4th Ed.). B.C. Children’s Hospital. To order a copy: Online at the C&W Bookstore https://libraries.phsa.ca/bookstore/list?q=Taming+Worry+Dragons&p=1&ps=50